Simple Holiday Rituals to Create Joy

Looking Forward to the Holidays?

If your answer is no, then you're not alone. Many of us find the holidays difficult because they bring up unrealistic expectations and/or negative reminders of the past.

In fact, this is so common that it has been given a name -- holiday blues. A recent poll stated that only 28% of Americans find the holidays joyful.

Let's change this! You deserve to find joy in the holidays. Recapture the joy and celebration by letting go of yesterday's expectations and adopting new rituals, ones that are life giving rather than energy draining (also known as "shoulds")

Most of you know what to do, but it's doing it that is the problem. Here are some reminders:

1. Get clear on the intention of the season --- a time of struggle when love was born that brought hope. Next get clear on your intentions. How can you work with your friends and family to plan meaningful activities not about stuff or stuffing?
2. Set and keep boundaries so you do not feel dragged around to events or situations. Subtract Obligation from your schedule; it leads to resentment.
3. Accept sadness and grief; these emotions are just as important as happiness and joy. Permit yourself to be honest with your emotions and allow yourself to feel where you are truly. Finding those that can share and your emotions is relaxing. So, don't force yourself to be fake cheerful, rather create space where it is safe to be able to be authentic.
4. Savor past joys without comparing them to your present situation. Set a specific plan for learning how to feel "hurts" in a way that "heals".
5. Avoid unnecessary stress and include stress-relieving activities in your schedule (walks, naps, or visits with close friends).
6. Limit drinking since alcohol intensifies feelings of depression.
7. Focus on giving of yourself, not things. And advocate for those that have are vulnerable or hurt by injustice.
8. TAKE CHARGE of your learning on living life so that you get your money's worth.

My holiday wish --- for you to be at peace with your authentic self and with others that are different than you this holiday season.

Gratitude in Tough Times

Caught up in the immediacy of our family chaos, economic woes, unwelcome health issues, many of us find gratitude -- the central value in the Thanksgiving holiday -- difficult to muster up.

Our twin monsters of fear and shame rob us of our ability to experience gratitude. Who knows why, but scaricity and distress can focus us on what we have, rather than who is missing at the table or what we've lost. When we refocus from what is not to what is here now, we CAN experience gratitude.

What are your experiences with gratitude? What are your blocks? How will you plan to deal with the non-Hallmark moments this holiday season?

Please share your questions, comments, experiences. I like hearing from you.

drpatty@drpattystephens.com

A Client's Perspective on Fear

For the past several years, I have attended Dr. Patty’s Wednesday Evening Authentic Group. Consequently, when I arrived at her “Undoing Anxiety” workshop, I assumed that I would be relaxed and ready to work with her in this new context. I was mistaken! I saw new faces, new personalities, not to mention the two friends that I had recruited to accompany me. In the Authentic Group, I work hard to name and claim my emotions clearly and honestly, but in this new group, I was not sure how much about myself I could disclose safely. Conveniently, I felt anxiety about working in this new context.

As instructed, I brought a pictorial representation of my "fear" which was a laser jetted photo of a barroom with no patrons, representing my band’s live performance with no crowd. Apparently, when my band plays to nobody but the bar tenders, I interpret it as no one liking my music. Because my music is an extension of me, it is also no one liking me. Additionally, I fear the lack of control that so many people know that I want them to be in attendance, yet choose to do other things.

So, what did I learn from this workshop about how to live with these fears and anxieties? How am I better at dealing with the ambiguity of attendance numbers at my shows?

Dr. Patty suggests that fear is a combination of anxiety and stress. You can manage both of them for more ease, peace and productivity.  Defining each of these elements:

• Stress (external events, situations) can be measured on a spectrum, with either extreme being unproductive. If one is too stressed, they are too engaged with the world, have too much to do, too much to worry about, etc. However, when one does not have enough stimulation, they could wind up disengaged and not really living life to the fullest.
• Anxiety( internally generated) often comes from thoughts. These thoughts can be categorized as “negative predictions,” “mind reading,” and generally living as if the outcome of an event is predetermined. When one lives in the future, or mired in the past, it is difficult to deal with what is really before them, because their thoughts and energies are elsewhere.
• Combining anxiety and stress creates a feedback loop of fear, as more things go wrong because one is not paying attention to what is currently transpiring in one’s life. Living in the past or future saps one of the energy and focus required to live well in the present.

How does this help me to be a better rock star? Well, for starters, I can realize that I am mind reading when I think won’t come to my show because they don’t like me. It is also a negative prediction to think that people won’t show up in the first place. So I guess, FDR WAS right, the only thing we have to fear IS fear itself, he just forgot to add stress and anxiety, but I heard he was more of a Jungian anyway.



For the past several years, I have attended Dr. Patty’s Authentic Wednesday Evening Authentic Group. Consequently, when I arrived at her “Undoing Anxiety,” Halloween-themed “Fear” workshop, I assumed that, after working with her for years, I would be relaxed and ready to work with her in this new context. I was mistaken. I saw new faces, new personalities, not to mention the two friends that I had recruited to accompany me. In the Authentic Group, I work hard to name and claim my emotions clearly and honestly, but in this new group, I was not sure how much about myself I could disclose safely. Conveniently, I felt anxiety about working in this new context.

As instructed, I brought a pictorial representation of my fear which was a laser jetted photo of a barroom with no patrons, representing my band’s live performance with no crowd. Apparently, when my band plays to nobody but the bar tenders, I interpret it as no one liking my music. Because my music is an extension of me, it is also no one liking me. Additionally, I fear the lack of control that so many people know that I want them to be in attendance, yet choose to do other things.

So, what did I learn from this workshop about how to live with these fears and anxieties? How am I better at dealing with the ambiguity of attendance numbers at my shows?

Dr. Patty suggests that fear is a combination of anxiety and stress. You can manage both of them for more ease, peace and productivity.  Defining each of these elements:

• Stress (external events, situations) can be measured on a spectrum, with either extreme being unproductive. If one is too stressed, they are too engaged with the world, have too much to do, too much to worry about, etc. However, when one does not have enough stimulation, they could wind up disengaged and not really living life to the fullest.
• Anxiety( internally generated) often comes from thoughts. These thoughts can be categorized as “negative predictions,” “mind reading,” and generally living as if the outcome of an event is predetermined. When one lives in the future, or mired in the past, it is difficult to deal with what is really before them, because their thoughts and energies are elsewhere.
• Combining anxiety and stress creates a feedback loop of fear, as more things go wrong because one is not paying attention to what is currently transpiring in one’s life. Living in the past or future saps one of the energy and focus required to live well in the present.

How does this help me to be a better rock star? Well, for starters, I can realize that I am mind reading when I think won’t come to my show because they don’t like me. It is also a negative prediction to think that people won’t show up in the first place. So I guess, FDR WAS right, the only thing we have to fear IS fear itself, he just forgot to add stress and anxiety, but I heard he was more of a Jungian anyway.

Don't Let Anxiety Become Your BFF!

We're all anxious sometimes-perhaps when we're at a doctor's appointment or making an important decision an. But there's a difference between occasional nerves and constant low-level panic-just like lunch with a friend is different from moving in with them. 

A Problem-Not a Condition

The good news is that if you maintain constant low-level anxiety that inhibits your ability to function, it is not a permanent condition-it is a problem that can be solved. You just need new skills to turn your relationship with anxiety into one that works for, not against, you.

You can learn to identify the scary, irrational thoughts called untrue stories. How can we say they're untrue? Mostly because if we're imagining them, they haven't happened yet. Or, we revise history, kicking ourselves for not knowing then what we know now.

Try these on for size:

• If I get promoted, I won't perform. (How do you know? You can't predict the future.)
• I should have taken the other job. (You can never know if the other job was the "right" one.)
• My kids will never succeed, and it's my fault. (How do you know? And were you their only influence?)
• Nothing I do matters. (To whom? Based on what criteria?)
• If I go to the doctor, I'll have a terrible disease. (Or you might be fine, or get help. Death is not your only option!)

Don't Lose Yourself

Untrue stories eat energy. We're less able to deal with real problems. We're not present for those we love. Obsessions about what "might" happen or "could have been" rob us of today.

To escape, we consume distractions like tv, excessive alcohol or food, or even potentially healthy things like exercise. But we're filling a bucket that has holes. It doesn't work-at least, not for long.

Take Action 

Review your thoughts. Are you unable to focus? Do you keep imagining the future or past? Are you repeating troubling or influencing thoughts (I need a drink; If I miss that call, my career is finished; If Suzi gets a "B," she'll never make UT; Harold's late again-so he doesn't love me)?

While the anxiety is real, the stories aren't. Pinpointing them is easiest when reflecting in the confines of a like-purposed, confidential group. Together, we see the stories for the falsehoods they are and root them out-even if we've been rehashing them for years.

Listen to your body. It might give the first clues you're lost in an untrue story with:
 - shortness of breath
 - stomachache
 - dizziness
 - muscle tension
 - sleepiness without

Removing Barriers -- Are You In Denial?

Like the fires that have devastated our beautiful state, our internal "fires" can be destroying the peace and joy in our lives. Removing these barriers can be akin to removing the dead branches and brush in a drought -- seemingly overwhelming. Yet as overwhelming as this might seem, we have to be in a position to see what is flammable in our lives. At times, we might think we are "handling it" by denying it can happen or that is happening currently. Also, we might think we are handling it by just staying anxious. One of these barriers is Denial and it comes in many forms. It can be ignoring a feeling we don't want, a festering past hurt, a present problem in our work or personal life , an unspoken “IT.” Denial has a lot of distractions. And like your sprinklers running during our current drought --- they may work for a while then eventually we just need rain. Denial is not just limited to individuals --- organizations (large corporations, start-ups, non-profits, even entire communities) experience Denial in the form of ignoring poor communication, unrealistic strategic initiatives, goals, performance targets, profit planning, etc.

DENIAL COMES WITH BENEFITS - Are you clinging to them?    1. If I don't admit that I/we are suffering, it's not true. 2. If I don't acknowledge there is a problem, I am not responsible for making change by doing my part. 3. I don't have to feel anxiety or guilt. 4.I don't have to take action or inconvenience my current routine. Anyway, I am helpless to do anything about it because I didn’t cause it.   The problem with living this way is that I promise you will eventually be empty and unprepared to save what is most valuable to you.  Embracing denial often means you will squander real opportunities to contribute what you can influence (not control)the problem. Denial prevents you from finding support which, in turn, can help you build bridges with others. Learning and understanding helps us to build our strength to face our IT because we are not alone in our journey! Realizing that you are not alone comes with innumerous benefits -- you have others that can share your journey and even your burden. You have resources and support. Find out what if anything you can do to prevent your potential or current fires in your life. Please reach out to me if you think I can help you.